Unspoken Words

I trusted you.  I guess that’s where the problem starts.  I trusted you, even when I told myself I shouldn’t.  Even when I told myself I wouldn’t.  Even when I told you that I couldn’t. I trusted you.  I loved you and I trusted you and you were supposed to know that.  It isn’t that hard.

You are a spider crawling up my arm and I am too afraid to swat you away, too overtaken with goose bumps, too weak to send you flailing about on your own business.  How I wish this weren’t the case.

When you love, it is like a star’s supernova, and it burns so brightly until it just becomes a black hole, and then you suck all your love back and I am empty and alone, wondering what happened to this utter miracle I had just witnessed.

I know I am not amazing. I am not great.  I am not beautiful or perfect or even good.  I am nothing to love.  I am no one to admire or pride yourself for knowing. 

I am not him.  I am not her.  I am not busy or unrequited.  I will not push you down. I will not make it hard for you to reach me.  I will not blow you off for someone else. I will not gossip about you, or spread lies – or, apparently, the truth.  I will not mistreat you.  I will not be that person for you.

But I am me.  I am the one who loves you. I am the friend you could have.  I am the cheerleader you turned your back on.  I am the absolute closest thing to unconditional you will ever know.

How I wish for once in this miserable existence that could be enough.

Call Me Selfish (repost)

I’m walking around the hallways today

Watching all the normal people pass me by

With smiles that light up their eyes,

Crooked teeth that add to their different personalities

And call me selfish, but I’m incredibly angry at their smiles.

I smiled once,

And it feels so damn long ago when the light always appeared

In my tragic brown eyes.

But watching it all the time has me thinking that I’m so angry

At the way I cannot even put together a meshed, broken smile

Because I’m so damn tired of this incredible hatred

Toward the way my life has been going.

And, call me selfish, but I’m so sick and tired of hiding

Every moment behind a false attitude,

False promise, false glimmer and glam

When the real me is breaking free, twisting out, demanding to be heard.

So this is it, my final barrier falling,

Broken without a warning,

Words pouring out of me as if from my very soul.

In seventeen months I’ve seen three bodies lowered

Deep into the ground,

Shining caskets burning my eyes in the sun,

Or maybe that was the tears.

I’ve watched families be broken with a word

That twists and pulls

I can still hear the echo of the final rip.

I’ve watched death stare me in the eyes

With a smirking resilience that tore my heart

From the very core, ripped it from my uneasy chest

And trampled it on the ground

Without saying a single, hollow word.

I’ve watched tears of angels fall down withered cheeks,

Watched arrows land and rip through healthy hearts,

Watched love beat as alive as ever

Only to flat line, the single beep resounding in my ears.

I’ve watched friends lost in the storm

And stood by until they were found,

If they were,

And I’ve watched hope give way to despair

With the utterance of only one simple word.

And, call me selfish,

But I’m so fucking tired of this never ending cycle

Of bitter resentment and melancholy beginnings,

Once one scar heals, another one is created

And I’m so tired of being caught up in between

The people who are grasping for some sort of hold on reality

And those so absolutely naïve to the existence

Of anything but a glimmering smile.

I’ve watched people be taken from me,

One moment breathing, the next gone,

With nothing but a phone call and some

Shattered sleep to show in between.

I’ve watched friends turn to enemies,

Love give way to an overwhelming hatred,

Have seen scars I never knew existed,

And heard stories I never want to repeat

I have experienced love in such a heartbreaking way

As I watch the world around me suffer.

And I’ve been betrayed by people I never thought I’d lose.

I’ve learned school isn’t the only place to learn a lesson,

And crayons and stickers and slides don’t mend a desperately broken heart,

That despair and hope go hand in hand

And that the devil doesn’t care if you slip and fall

Or rise to the very top.

Call me selfish,

Call me weak.

Call me pathetic or strong or whatever else you think fits the description

Of my lost, tattered and fragile soul,

But I am sick and tired of feeling so incredibly useless

Every single fucking hour of every single damned day,

Please forgive me for this complaining,

But if you attended my school of suffering you would understand;

Call me every single horrible, terrible name in the book,

But please,

Set me free.

Let me heal.

Let me go.

Because I have seen life for the beauty

But have also witnessed the monstrosity;

I am better off lost and alone, wandering the dark.

Do not let me bring you down.

Call me selfish,

But I know that of the two of us,

You’re the one left with a chance.